


as we gather 'round the table

by thelostcolony



Series: The Life and Times of Team Red [4]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Clint's Farm Family Doesn't Exist, For Team Red, Gen, I don't even know what this is really, Team Red Shenanigans, Team as Family, just a bunch of random stuff having to do with Thanksgiving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 00:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8599576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelostcolony/pseuds/thelostcolony
Summary: Thanksgiving dinner, as conducted by Team Red.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't actually know what this is it's twelve pages of nothing lmao I hope you enjoy

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** guys what the fuck are we doing for thanksgiving

 **matty:** As cap would say: language

 **steeb:** I Cannot

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** no actually guys

 **rem:** why don’t we just have it here at mattys?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** have you seen the size of this apartment

 **steeb:** Pete has a point; it’s pretty small in here for Thanksgiving

 **rem:** wait wait wait who the fuck are we inviting?

 **steeb:** I was thinking about-- well-- all of us, probably the other Avengers and their respective dates, then whichever friends Peter might want to invite, plus any of the X-Men you’d want to come, plus Foggy and Karen which leaves...no room

 **rem:** what the fuck why would I invite the xmen those guys are assholes

 **matty:** Whoa wait. Who said we were inviting the Avengers?

 **themainbird:** Excuse you, natasha and I are avengers

 **rem:**  you don’t count, you guys are actually nice

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** who’d’ve thought the biggest plot twist of 2016 would be remy being nice to someone

 **rem:** did you forget about the election or

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** my point still stands

 **rem:** RUDE

 **matty:** But even still without the X-Men my apartment is too small for all those people.

 **themainbird:** It can barely fit all of you guys. It’s why Natasha and I don’t live there, you know.

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** my point?? still stands still??? where are we going?? we are having thanksgiving we’re not foregoing it sorry but no

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** if i have to drag you guys to the table to eat turkey and do that corny thing where we go around and say what we’re thankful for them by god i’ll do it

 **rem:** “by god”

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** don’t insult me like this you limp noodle

 **rem:** R U D E

 **steeb:** I guess...we could go...to sam’s…?

 **themainbird:** uh, no

 **steeb:** Why not?

 **themainbird:** unlike most of you, I actually like my house in one piece, thanks

 **hawkass:** uhm

 **hawkass:** i hate to interrupt

 **hawkass:** but i have an entire apartment building at my disposable

 **peter (not spiderman parker):** “at my disposable”

 **hawkass:** don’t mock me

 **steeb:** actually...that might work

 **matty:** Are you being serious?

 **steeb:** ?? yes??

 **matty:** Huh

 **steeb:** What?

 **matty:** We’re having Thanksgiving together

 **rem:** yeah I guess it's weird

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** Why? we’re a family, duh

 **rem:** ,,,,,,shit,,,,im related to you guys

 **rem:** b y c h o i c e

 **hawkass:** and yet you won’t go away when we tell you to

 **hawkass:** you’re like the annoying stray dog that lingers around

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** don’t insult Lucky like this clint

 **hawkass:** shit u right sorry @lucky

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** img.4769-142678522-27.jpg

 **themainbird:** damn, clint, your dog is cute

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** I come back to this chat for one moment and it’s disgustingly domestic. Bye.

 **steeb:** Nat

 **matty:** Same

 

_________________

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** SHIT

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** DO WE HAVE ANY FOOD ALLERGIES

 **steeb:** ??

 **rem:** wtf

 **matty:** No

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** okay good

 **hawkass:** why?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** because when you’re hosting a thanksgiving it’s sort of important

 **hawkass:** oh

 **steeb:** right

 **matty:** Yeah

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** okay then

  


_________________

 

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** should I get a cake?

 **hawkass:** idk we could make one

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** you think we

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** as in myself and yourself

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** could make a cake on our own

 **hawkass:** fair point

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** also clean out the fridge we need to get a new one and also figure out how we’re going to fit thirty people around our two person table

 **hawkass:** right

 **hawkass:** time to Invest in a table

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** you mean by calling tony stark

 **hawkass:** yes

 

____

 

 **hawkass:** TONY

 **iron-ass:** I don’t have time for you

 **hawkass:** then page Jarvis

 **iron-ass:** what do you want

 **hawkass:** basically a cleaning team to fix my apartment enough to have thirty people in it

 **iron-ass:** what? Why?

 **hawkass:** oh btw you’re invited to Team Red Thanksgiving but jsuk Steve, Sam, Natasha, and Bucky will be there

 **iron-ass:** respective pass, but thanks for the invite

 **hawkass:** ye no prob

 **hawkass:** get me my table? and my cleanup?

 **iron-ass:** I don’t give a shit, sure

 **hawkass:** !!yay!!

 

____

 

 **Foggy:** What should I bring to your super-family gathering?

 **matty:** You know you’re apart of that super family right?

 **Foggy:** sweet considering I’m your best friend, but I’m not super nor am in the same classification as ‘asshole’ as your family, so

 **matty:** Fair point

 **Foggy:** anyways what should I bring?

 **matty:** Basically anything. You could probably bring rocks and Steve would eat them.

 **Foggy:** I don’t understand your logic but I figure he has to create those abs somehow

 **matty:** Foggy 

 **Foggy:** JUST SAYING

 **matty:** I don’t know text Pete 

 **Foggy:** will do

 

___________________________

 

 **Foggy:** PETER

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** FOGGY

 **Foggy:** hey so what should I bring to the superfamily dinner

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** I don’t know. You could bring basically anything. Steve would even eat a rock, I think

 **Foggy:** is that some sort of inside joke or is just you and matt being weirdly psychic again?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** what?

 **Foggy:** thought so. I’m bringing peas, carrots, and mashed potatoes

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:**?? okay??

 

____________

  
  
**iron-ass:** you traumatized the cleaners

 **hawkass:** THIS PLACE IS SO CLEAN

 **hawkass:** I’VE NEVER SEEN IT SO CLEAN?

 **iron-ass:** at the expense of my workers’ souls

 **hawkass:** EVEN THE MOLD IS GONE

 **iron-ass:** their s o u l s

 **hawkass:** tip them for me

 **iron-ass:** Fuck you, Barton

 

___________

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** CLINT

 **hawkass:** What

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** HOW THE FUCK ARE WE ALL GOING TO FIT IN YOUR APARTMENT FI YOU HAVE NO FURNITURE

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** LITERALLY THE LAST TIME I WAS THERE YOU HAD A STOVE, A SINGLE COUNTER, A BEAT UP FRIDGE, A SAGGY COUCH, A TV, AND A TABLE FOR TWO

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** AND BEDROOM THINGS BUT THOSE DON’T COUNT

 **hawkass:** We’ll fit. I have my sources

 **rem:** You called the fucking Avengers

 **hawkass:** shit yea

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** PSA: never rob a bank with clint

 

________

 

 **buck-o:** Hey guys

 **rem:** where the fuck have you been

 **steeb:** We finally got his phone fixed

 **steeb:** language, there are minors here

 **rem:** peter barely counts the kid is sixteen

 **steeb:** I was talking about clint, the most childish one here

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** have I ever told you how much I appreciate you

 **hawkass:** I came to have a good time but I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** not wrong

 **hawkass:** WHY IS EVERYONE SO R U D E

 

_________

 

 **Karen:** Am I invited to this Thanksgiving?

 **matty:** Of course.

 **Karen:** cool great I’ll bring cranberry sauce

 **matty:** Okay

 

_________

 

 **matty:** Karen’s bringing cranberry sauce

 **hawkass:** ew why that stuff is disgusting

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** yeah

 **buck-o:** I don’t think I’ve ever had that?

 **steeb:** It’s okay I guess

 **themainbird:** Tell her not to bring a turkey because I’m making ours

 **themainbird:** I’m basically cooking everything

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** !!

 

_________

 

 **Karen:** I’m bringing cranberry sauce

 **Karen:** basically just for you

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** I LOVE YOU THANKS

 **Karen:** !! love you too!!

 **Karen:** don’t tell matt, but you’re my favorite

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** oh please I’m sure he already knows

 

_____

 

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** ….you love cranberry sauce

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** *sweats*

  **the-cooler-hawkeye:** I figured. you seem like The Type

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** is that a good thing

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** I don’t know. I don’t particularly like cranberry sauce.

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** *SWEATS*

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** but I like you so

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** :))))))))

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** :)))))))))))))

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** k bye

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** bye

 

_________________

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

 **hawkass:** why can I hear you dancing upstairs in the loft

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** that’s not me

 **rem:** who was it then?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** *sweats*

 **themainbird:** you better be here on time @everyone

 **matty:** Wait what time is this at

 **themainbird:** 2

 **matty:** Okay I’ll tell Foggy and Karen

 **steeb:** and I’ll tell the Avengers that aren’t in this chat

 **steeb:** Mainly Wanda

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** omg yes

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** why ISNT wanda in this chat?? she’s amazing

 **steeb:** I don’t know

 **hawkass:** let me call her

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** W a n d a

 

________________

 

 **hawkass:** Wanda can come, and she’s bringing Vision

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** !!Yay!!

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:**!!yay!!

 **buck-o:** yay?

 **matty:** Yay

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** !! Y A Y ! !

 

____

 

 **little-red:** i’m here

 **little-red:** I brought pound cake

 **little-red:** and vision insisted on making parmigiana

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** i’ll buzz you in

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:**!! and I love pound cake!!

 **litte-red:** coming up

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** yay!!

 **little-red:** I’m kind of nervous

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:**? wait why?

 **little-red:** I don’t know many of these people. they are not my family like they are yours. remember?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** hey, hey-- listen. you’re my family, and so are they, so by default they’re yours too. but I get it. but no worries- clint is here, and kate, and you know kate. bucky and steve are here and you know them. natasha is coming at some point and she likes you. sam is here, and you definitely know sam. and then it’s a couple of new people who seem really awful but they’re actually pretty nice

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** except for karen. karen is a goddess. don’t insult karen

 **little-red:** you’re right. okay. we’re knocking on the door

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** :) dont drop my pound cake 

 **little-red:** wouldn’t dream of it, bug boy

 

____________

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** damn there are a lot of people here

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** and I didn’t even invite like, my normal friends

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** by that i mean MJ

 **themainbird:** help me in the kitchen one of you for god’s sake

 **matty:** Karen just walked in

 **themainbird:** thank god send her in instead you stay out of my kitchen

 **hawkass:** technically my kitchen

 **rem:** but okay wait actually-- this is a really nice apartment for someone as broke as you clint

 **hawkass:** I resent that

 **rem:** but like where did you get such a big table???

 **rem:** actually though??

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** tony stark

 **matty:** Ah

 **steeb:** Ah

 **buck-o:** ah

 **hawkass:** W H A T T H E FU CK R  U  D E

 **Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** say it all you want, it doesn’t stop them from doing it.

 **hawkass:** et tu, brute?

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** N o

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> please leave me a comment on your thoughts (also there's likely gonna be a part 2 to this but it was so long because i'm trash)


End file.
